breaking hearts has never looked so cool [ 02.08.05 - 3:22 I can hold onto only you can save me ] I just finished reading "The Siren's Dance" and it was a little hard to take. I plowed through it in one day, because I couldn't put it down. It was like a how-to guide for every relationship I've ever been in and gave me a disturbing insight into what it must have been like for Dan and Rin and Phil and Kevin and every other person who has played a serious role in my life. I can't imagine what it must be like being friend or lover to me. For some reason, it had just never occurred to me how draining being around and caring about me could be. I'm a lot of fun when I'm "up", spontaneous and uninhibited and wild, but when I'm down, I take everything someone is willing to give. It made me cry to think about every incident that drove someone away, or took something away from them. In the end, the author leaves his wife, the sufferer of borderline personality disorder, and they never speak again. I don't want that to be me. I'm going to start taking the drugs. I also feel like I should apologize, but I wouldn't know for what. I'm sorry I'm like this? I'm sorry I can't give them back everything that I took? I'm sorry I'm such a fucking child sometimes? In other depressing bullshit news, looks like I'm on my own for the move. If this were a movie, especially one directed by Rob Reiner, this would be the part where I would pack up my meagre possessions, hit the road to places unknown and have adventures before discovering the one thing I wanted was in my own backyard (or some other such lesson). Unfortunately, I'm almost 22 and should probably just get an apartment and settle into a mundane crappy life that will probably end with my killing myself at 25, more like a German art film of some kind. My options at this point, I think, are staying in Edmonton or moving to Calgary. The thought of staying in Edmonton makes me despondent, so I'm leaning toward Calgary. However, leaving behind Rin and Phil makes me equally despondent. Cristina assures me I'll make friends, but I don't know - that implies that I have some kind of social skills. I'm absolutely petrified. I'm not quite ready to grow up yet. [ previous entry - next entry ]

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