Things have fallen completely apart, I have nothing left. Is this rock bottom? Maybe this could be a good time to start over. An involuntary clean slate, I guess.
I really fucking hate it.
The counselor I've been forced into seeing has told me my hobbies are far too solitary and suggested that I try to take up a hobby that involves other people. She says everything with brimming over enthusiasm, she's a big exclaimation point. I could probably tell her that I killed my whole family and she'd respond "that's interesting!" It all feels like a waste of time, but it seems to mean a lot to my mom. I think she's worried about a repeat of Victoria.
I also think I'm a little worried about a repeat of Victoria.
Nothing screams tragedy and "pay attention!" and cliche like a bottle of vodka (that I bought to make his parents martinis, consequently), a pack of sleeping pills, a hot bath and both "The Bell Jar" and "The Catcher in the Rye" on your bookshelf. I always say "I never meant to hurt myself, I just wanted to sleep." but that's probably a lie.
Probably.
I'm not going to hurt myself, rest assured. I won't deny the fleeting thought, however. Things here are lonely and hard and mostly impossible, I think. It feels surreal, but hurts too bad for me to be sure. My mom patronizes me when I call her upset and then says "if you need anything, you know where I am" when I say I have to go. I'm not going to hurt myself because nothing is that bad. I'm proud that I've made this realization but it doesn't stop the frenzy in my psyche. My mom says I just need the 'tools'. One would have hoped these 'tools' would have become ingrained by now, like children being born without wisdom teeth.
I'm supposed to come to terms with the fact that my dad leaving bothered me, and it made me incapable of trusting any men.
God, that's banal.
There's something terribly wrong in my heart and in my mind, and I'm afraid that it's not going to go away. I'm tired of being told I'm "normal" because it's bullshit. I'm nothing unique, but this can't be normal or population wouldn't be an issue.
I miss everyone I've ever loved. I miss Dan quite badly, thanks to the anniversary of "the end". What is it about loneliness that staggers so well with nostalgia? I think of him every day - have for the past couple of months, while I worried "Oh God, October 31st..." I still think "what it would be like if he called me! What it would be like if he said 'I'm coming over to kiss you one more time and to just sleep next to you. You'll have the chance to remember all those stupid little details you've forgotten in the past year." Longing, longing, longing - when will I stop thinking about you? I still hear songs and think, "I bet you'd really like this" and I lied - I still have the CD you made for me (but I threw out the letter).
Have I ever made someone feel like this?
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