breaking hearts has never looked so cool [ 15.07.04 - 2:11 still a little bit of your taste in my mouth ] last night was weird & hard. i had a sort of materialistic purging of all things dan. i threw out dozens of letters, cds, clothes, even the diary which documented my last days with dan & the torture thereafter. also, i threw out literally thousands of photographs, but not before one last perusing through of them. it was hell. all these moments - people, places, memories - that either he or i captured on film for one reason or another & now they're all gone. we wanted to remember those times - his second weekend in edmonton, all my visits to sait, our apartments in calgary and victoria, his parents, my mom & sister the one time they met him, our cat, unnatural amounts of photos of kissing. it was hard to throw them all in a bag & toss them in a river (how dreadfully emo) but it was harder to have them there, basically begging for me to hope. why did i keep them to begin with? hell, i doubt i was even out the door before he threw out all his mementos. he said that he regretted throwing out his photos, but fuck. he has no idea how lucky he is. maybe that's why he's moving on so easily & i'm apparently going to be stuck in this rut of missing him & loving him forever. god, it hurts & god, i miss him worse than i've ever missed anyone in my whole life. sometimes i wish he was dead.* at least then i wouldn't have to live every day knowing that he's out there somewhere & someone else is holding him & talking to him & getting to enjoy him in ways i never will again. he's out there breathing somewhere & it's killing me. so, i packed it all up in my suitcase (the one i used to visit him at sait, the one i put my books in when i moved to calgary, the one i put underwear in when i moved to victoria, the one that fell over noisily when we were making out at his parents' house when i visited last year), walked down to the river valley, & spun in circles, launching it through the air. it landed with a heart-rending splash & part of me immediately regretted it. i won't ever forget you, photos or not. *note: i don't actually want dan dead. excuse me, is my drama showing? [ previous entry - next entry ]

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