breaking hearts has never looked so cool [ 20.06.04 - 2:21 too late, tonight i'm gone ] so, shit. i have decided that tonight, i tell calvin how i feel. things between he & i have been so hostile lately. mind you, the hostility is mostly on my end but the tension is so thick, it's almost tangible & i don't think i can go on living in an environment like that. ultimately, i'm just trying to clear the air. i'm not looking for romance or returned affections & i plan on making that very clear during what will surely be a tangent. i've been rehearsing the least disastrous, most direct way to tell him in the mirror every time i pass one. it doesn't make me feel any more confident, honestly. truly, i have no expectations, so you'd think i would have no fear. but what if he decides he hates me? what if he says, "i'm moving!" or "you're moving!" this is fairly unlikely because calvin isn't a dick, but you never know. the essential message of my gut-spilling will run along the lines of: "calvin, i know that i've been crazy the last week or so & i want to be totally honest & tell you that it's because i'm confused about feelings i think i have for you. [note: this isn't completely honest. remove 'i think' for maximum honesty.] i don't want things to change, although i know that they will. i don't want a relationship with you, so you don't have to emphasize on rejection here [insert nervous laughter]. well, i'm going to bed! g'night!" crap, this is going to be awful. [ previous entry - next entry ]

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