breaking hearts has never looked so cool

[ 01.06.04 - 9:21 we can go anywhere you want to ]

things that are a bad idea:

  • falling for your roommate

  • taking four extra-strength flu pills & then consuming mass quantities of whiskey & beer

  • watching the ring

    being the mentally healthy, well-rounded individual i am, i decided to try to open my mind to the possibility of dating someone else & now i have a mini-crush, which surely will not achieve fruition, considering i am ashley.

    ashley, the girl boys hate.

    but the fact remains, i have a crush on a boy who we'll call X, which i consider a big step on the road toward not-roommate-loving. while we were at new city for karaoke, a drunken middle-aged reject tried to pick me up, in spite of much cursing & 'go aways' on my part he refused to leave. X stepped up to defend me in a 1940 cowboy movie, "the lady asked you to leave" kind of a way. thus, the infatuation began. he came to my house afterward & we watched the ring* & basically horsed around, him abruptly shouting and half-lunging at me to scare the shit out of me (effectively). no one get the impression that anything happened, because it didn't & probably won't (see above). we sat on opposite sides of my couch & not once did we even accidentally graze against each other. he left with nary a backwards glance, & yet somehow, i still find myself beguiled, besotted & bewitched with him.

    i am a huge asshole.

    but what's important here & what you should truly focus on is that i didn't think about my roommate/love the whole time he was there.

    of course, after he left my house at seven am, i went & slept in calvin's bed.

    damn me.

    & last night, i was awoken by someone murdering a cat (i think) at 3:30 am (an hour before i had to wake up for work). i stumbled downstairs where calvin was playing video games. i lit a cigarette & lay on his lap.

    at new city on sunday, he would just glance at me & smile affectionately & it would melt me. he played with my leg warmers, rolling them down my calves, & he would brush against my skin & it would melt me.

    god, what is it about him that's making me so very insane? i can't put my finger on any one thing about him that causes this fluttering in my chest.

    he's some boy. he's my roommate.

    i hate myself. i'm such a nutjob.

    one day at a time.

    tomorrow is sparta, thursday is payday & friday is my tattoo appointment. i think my tattoo is the one saving grace in my otherwise complicated & messy existence.

    *note: this movie effin' sucks. seriously, i've never seen a less scary movie in my life & i resent everyone who told me it was good. after the movie ended, i found myself actually angry that i had wasted 115 minutes on this piece of crap.

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