breaking hearts has never looked so cool [ 26.05.04 - 11:49 i'll meet you at seven, i miss you already ] on monday, i received the unfortunate results of my biopsy, sending my spiraling into self-pity & misery & thoughts of the absolute worst. i asked calvin to come home after work, because i wanted to talk to him about it. he did come, toting a bottle of wine & sat next to me on the couch. after drinking a glass of wine fast (liquid courage), i finally told him what was on my mind, which was some fear of mortality - weird how finding out you're ill can do that. he got quiet & stared at the floor for a while. he then squeezed my calf gently, gave me sad sort of smile, & told me it'd be already. i nodded unconvincingly. then it happened - what always happens when you're friends (in love) with calvin. he got a phonecall from nick telling him that he would have to go record a song for some compilation. being wildly terrible at veiling my emotions, i must have looked crushed because he sat next to me on the couch, looked at me for a moment, & put his hands on either side of my face & kissed my cheek. not consoled, in spite of the flipflops in my stomach, i stroked his cheek with my finger & said thanks. he went & beautified. when he came downstairs, he once again sat next to me & hugged me close for a long while. i admit i cried a little. affection is a rarity in my life lately. he left & i guess i fell asleep on the couch. at about 3 am, he returned home & i was half-awakened by his entering. i heard him come into the room & hesitate, but being semi-conscious, i just lay there. the strap of my bra had slipped down my shoulder & i was really shocked awake when he came over & slowly ran his index finger from my elbow up, putting it back into place. i woke up for real then & we spent some hours drinking & chatting. he also rubbed my back & shoulders for me. after a while, he said that he had to go to bed & then said, "are you coming to sleep with me or what?" while he hauled my limp body off the couch. we lay in bed talking & it was chaste enough for a while, until i said, "calvin? cuddle me." he rolled over to face me & i buried my face in his soft, bare chest. he put his arm around me & stroked the skin on my back above my tank top. we fell asleep that way & only moved once when i rolled over. then we spooned. i'm in so deep. i'm absolutely retarded. i know you're all sick of hearing about it, & god knows, i'm sick of writing about it, but ouch, ouch! maladie du ceour! i've created a friends list of people who will just shake their heads sadly & silently, as opposed to some who will express their distaste & sadness for my stupidity in much more vocal ways. if you are totally sick of reading this, just leave a message & i'll take you off the official calvin tortures ashley friends list last night, we regressed to the junior high mentality & began to wrestle around all over the living room. the heat was up high for some reason, so it wasn't long before both our bodies were sticky with sweat. it must have honestly gone on for a half hour. we laughed hysterically & it was hell, considering under any other circumstances, it was clear that this would have ended in making out. but noooo... we're "room mates". ugh. anyway, we collapsed on the couch & he removed his wet shirt. we sat & smoked next to each other on the couch & i looked over to notice that i left scratch marks on his chest somehow, & i pointed them out to him. "those better be gone by next week," he states. "why?" i ask, already knowing the answer. he tells me that this girl that he "really likes" is in town next week. please, god, just let me be gone when they hump. on a brighter note, my tattoo appointment is nine days. this fucking sucks. something has gotta break or at least bend. [ previous entry - next entry ]

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