breaking hearts has never looked so cool [ 11.05.04 - 10:22 I breathe out smoke against the window, trace the letters in your name. ] the girlfriend censorship bureau has declared a cease-communication between a friend & i. i want to be angry, but mostly i'm sad & hurt. what do you say when someone you've known for years, been through things much more difficult than this with, & care very deeply about tells you that you can no longer speak? what is the proper response? being a female that hates 98% of other females so surrounds herself with boys, this occurs more than you can understand. apparently, i'm a threat to almost every relationship that every one of my friends ever has & ever will be in. if, in the three-to-four years i've known someone, nothing has happened, what makes her think that something would start to happen, much less that i would commute to make it happen. i feel like crying, & i'm stuck at work thinking about it. in the wise, sage-like words of vanessa, garbageface. on a brighter note, last night was pretty nice. i fell asleep on the couch while calvin was at work. he came home & woke me up. we chit-chatted & i complained about my crappy day for a while. then he complained about his crappy day. i said, "come sit by me," & he replied, "i was just going to ask if i could come sit by you. weird." so he did. being the posi individual i am, i continued to complain. he moved up to sit on the couch behind me & began to rub my shoulders & neck & back for me. he put his fingers through my hair to massage the base of my skull & i almost died, it felt so good. afterward, we furtively cuddled, which was mostly me leaning against his chest, while he sought a place to lay his arm that wasn't too familiar. i have been repeating the mantra, "he is your roommate. he's not interested in any relationship, much less one with you" over & over, hoping to assist the flame in fizzling out, as it is wont to do. i just need to pretend that my heart doesn't feel candy-coated & nauseous every time he is around. i have to force myself to shake the thought of kissing him. i seem to be led around by a sad little sting connected directly to my heart. how utterly devastating. [ previous entry - next entry ]

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