breaking hearts has never looked so cool [ 10.05.04 - 11:39 another wasted night. ] what to say about the past few days? a brief rundown would look something like this: i finally got to see cristina, & it's about damn time. we played bingo & all crowded into calvin's bed for a girltalk extravaganza, discussing the finer points of sex. we ate po'boys (not in calvin's bed) & i got all drunk (but at least i'm not the kind of drunk we babysat that night). also, kevin came down & i saw his new house. it's enviable to the max. oh yeah, & i have a stupid crush on my roommate, which is ridiculous & futile & so self-destructive, considering nothing will ever come of it. i'm absolutely convinced now that i'm a fundamentally unlikeable person. the real pinnacle of this revalation occured when i was brushing my teeth & my gums bled thanks to far too much whiskey. gross. but back to my grotesque appearance & personality. fact is, i'm not an attractive person. i'm one of "the boys", as far as all boys are concerned, which is fun when i'm drunk off my ass & need someone to take care of me & not cop a feel. what it is about me that makes me so fundamentally undateable, i'm not sure, & even when asked, no one will tell me. ignorance is not bliss, because i am alone & lonely & without having something to change, i can't change anything. there's no goal to obtain, no stars to shoot for, no fatal flaw in my character or appearances that i can pinpoint & change. it's frustrating stagnating in this stew of self-loathing & stupid pity for myself. but i'm lonely, very lonely, & that's dangerous. long-limbed & hilarious, this boy boils my blood & all i can do is try to keep my mouth shut. hopefully this looses its steam & quickly, because i can't take another broken heart. this entry effin' sucks. [ previous entry - next entry ]

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