breaking hearts has never looked so cool [ 10.05.04 - 5:30 even if your heart is broken, both pieces are still inside you. ] the trick to having a lot of flaws is to be able to justify them. each & every recognized flaw must be negotiated like a landmine, each mitigation delivered with precise impudence, such presumption that not a question or dispute can be raised. you must convey a real intrepidity, you really have to believe that every oddity, every deficiency isn't your fault. even if it is your fault, you can't help it. possessing infinite amounts of flaws, i consider myself well-qualified to dispense this advice. i'm sort of a vice aficionado, some might say. thus far, this appears to be satirical, but prepare yourself for some self-deprecation, informally called, "Why Are You Like That?!" where i will list for you every flaw that i can think of. i am so selfish. i fall in love way too fast & way too hard. i'm finicky & because i don't even know what i want, i can't tell someone else. i pick fights out of fear that things will be dull. basically, i treat relationships like sky-diving - sheerly for an adrenaline rush. i'm self-righteous, & have absolutely no right to be. i'm fairly lazy & messy. i'm strictly black & white in everything that i do. i'm happy or sad, angry, etc. i love you or i hate you. i drink way too much. also, i smoke more than i should. i'm frivolous. i'm irresponsible. i even refuse to accept responsibility for my own mistakes most of the time. i lie. i hate leaving my house most of the time for anything. i will not like your friends/family. i dislike 90% of the world & lack the tact not to verbalize it. i have the breasts of a thirty-year-old. i can hold a grudge for all of time, if necessary. i cry for no apparent reason. i can be overly affectionate. i'm a violent sleeper. i will yell at you & sometimes hit you. i talk about things that no one else cares about excessively. i'm still in love with every one of the people i was ever in love with. i can't accept change. i refuse to be naked in front of someone in the light until at least a year has passed. not even just naked! just my breasts embarrass me to the point where i keep the blankets up to my chin. i whine. a lot. i have infinite amounts of health problems & i pretend that it doesn't bother me, even though it really does. i'm so afraid of being hurt that i refuse to make myself vulnerable for as long as humanly possible. i'm stubborn in everything i do. even the most petty things, i will dig my heels in against. i have a set vision in my head for every aspect of my life & if it doesn't work out exactly i grow very agitated. i sometimes find myself looking for something/one better/more exciting/new when i'm with something/one that should keep my content on its own. i have fat thighs & bad skin. if i don't achieve climax during intercourse, i become angry at my partner (mind you, this has only really happened once). i'm confrontational. i bite for no real reason at all. this is weird, i know. i'm maybe a little insensitive. i don't cry for the deaths of people i don't know. i have intense feelings for someone one minute & never want to see them again the next. i have no idea how not to blurt out every feeling i feel, unless it's important or constructive. i will bail on random events i've been invited to. i'm impatient. i expect people to place me highest on their priorities list. i make jokes that aren't funny. i read every single night before bed. i am afraid to be alone. i make lists of all my flaws. i consider my intellect towering to that of most people. i have a hard time verbalizing a lot of my thoughts, so i write letters to people who i could easily speak to in person. for example, my livein boyfriend. hearing the voice of someone i dislike causes a physical reaction of anger in my stomach. i literally hurt when i get angry & that makes me a terrible human being. i resent everyone who ever hurt me but i expect forgiveness for myself. i don't like most of the bands you all do. i'm embarrassedabout some of the people i hang out with & i hate myself for it. mind you, this list could go on for eternity. comments from others: "time with you is never dull. sometimes miserable, but never dull." -e. (known him for one month) "your voice is the most terrible thing i've ever heard." - dad after singing school choir song "your voice is like a nailgun driving into my skull." -sara m. "you are absolutely dead inside." -k. "why do you hate the entire world?" -k. [ previous entry - next entry ]

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