breaking hearts has never looked so cool [ 04.05.04 - 11:37 le punch! ] boys i love boys. i really do. in spite of all my bitching, moaning, hating, & fighting, i love boys. i want to kiss them & hold them & sometimes make them cry (because i'm a mean girl). i figured out that since dan, five months ago (has it only been five months?), i averaged out at 1.4 boys per month. just dating, casually or quasi-seriously. because it amuses me & this is my journal, & i'll do what i wanna, i have composed a short list which delineates the highs & lows of my lovelife. jared pearson who better to top the list than my first love (& first heartbreak) jared? red-headed & befreckled, my love for the irish boys stems from him, i'm sure. he was three years older than my 14-year-old self when we met, & a hesitant romance took place. i still have the tattered note he gave me in which he professed his love. i still hope i'll run into him someday. when i'm on my deathbed, i'll ask for him. if i ever get on jenny jones, i'm going to ask for her to find him for me. jody i don't remember his last name, but in grade four, he gave me my first kiss & touched my butt. he was a pervo. crystal weir* the first girl i ever kissed & my first climax. i loved her a little bit, i think. she was crazy & confident in everything she did. the first fucked-up girl i ever met. she eventually went insane & burned her house down, killing her family & herself. tom* i can't for the life of me remember this kid's last name through the haze of alcohol & drugs at that period of my life (plus it was Ukranian & it's impossible to remember those names). but i lived with him for a few months during my punk-rock rebellion. it was an entirely emotionless relationship, somehow. we spent nearly all our time with each other, being that we were unemployed & out of school, yet we couldn't muster an ounce of emotion for each other. it was surreal. chris* unfortuantely, we all remember chris & do not need to discuss it ever again. kevin stevens* kevin is not related to me, i want to really emphasize that here. extensive research went into verifying that fact. we dated for a year, things got rocky and complicated, i cheated on him with shithead jared, & we broke up. somehow, we remain friends to this day, & i love that kid with all my heart. he's probably the most important non-family member (seriously. not related.) in my life. daniel hill* the biggest heartbreak of my life & the freshest, so you'll forgive me if i don't go into it. if you care to revel in my pain, go ahead. jordan van horne* i deflowered this kid! hell, yeah. he was a good boy whose heart i eventually broke. jordy was really very sweet, but had a quick temper sometimes. i was a fucked up girl who lied about cheating on him so that he would break up with me. he did, & i realized, "i am an idiot." those are the most important boys i've had in my life. i had a little bit (or a lot, in some cases) for every one of them. it sounds cliched, but i will never forget any of them. & now, oh, now, i am alone & seeking something. i don't even know the something i'm looking for exactly. just something. someone. i meet these people & for a while, they're wonderful. things are perfection & romance & flowers & potpouri smells. but it seems like more & more quickly, these feelings fade. i meet new people, lust or feel for them for a few minutes, & just give up on it. turn off my emotions, find some teeny weeny flaw that's so wildly inconsequential & end an entire relationship based on it. i'm such a fucking weirdo. i compain about being lonely or alone, but when i'm presented with an opportunity to actually do something about it, i run away with my tail between my legs. someone save me from myself. *denotes sexual relationship [ previous entry - next entry ]

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