breaking hearts has never looked so cool [ 18.12.03 - 2:12 i'm not afraid to say that i hate you. ] I am actually a sensitive person. Really. Few are privy to this vulnerability, as I have spent 20 years building up a safeguard - an emotional 'wall', I guess. However, now and then, my weakness gets the better of me against my will. For all my strength, pride, determination against putting myself 'out there', I can only take so much before I crumble and break. Unfortunately, tonight, I broke. At coffee with Geoff. A Denny's of all places. I was, at first, trying to calmly explain my stress, and I could feel that familiar lump in the back of my throat, so I ran away to the bathroom to get ahold of myself. Instead, I cried for a little while, splashed some water on my face and once a woman with a mullet came in, I finally went back to the table. I asked if we could "get outta here", he said sure, but apparently, my distress was apparent. He asked if everything was okay, and a dam broke. What is it about someone's concern that destroys my every ounce of strength? I sank into my chair, and wept into a scratchy paper napkin. I explained to him everything - how desperately lonely I am, how I miss Dan, how X's actions affects me even though it shouldn't. I told him how I feel like I'm just in the middle of nothing, and all I can see around me is nothing and with no clear point to look toward and anticipate, it's so hard to move forward. He tried his best to offer advice, but mostly could only offer his sympathy, which was good enough, definitely. It's refreshing to have someone care. He told me that some people are worth feeling for and hoping for. I think he was encouraging my hope to be with Dan, but I know full well how absolutely futile that is. I know that Dan and I are over, no matter how badly I want for that to be untrue. He won't ever again feel the same way that I do. It's just so hard to accept the end. I don't know how last night affected my feelings - whether I'm better or worse for the wear. I was forced to be honest with myself last night, regarding all these feelings in me, and I didn't like that much, let me tell you. I want to move on past all this, but I can't seem to stop believing in the relationship fairytale - that he's going to show up on my doorstep and love me again. Sigh. [ previous entry - next entry ]

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