breaking hearts has never looked so cool [ 07.12.03 - 12:49 warning: existential angst ahead. ] i am so fucking lonely. i have tried everything that i can think of to fill this nihility inside me - dating, sex, throwing myself into something else, that whole 'loving myself' shit. nothing will dull this ache in my chest. i can see the rest of my life - 20, 40, 60 years stretched out before me & where i should be seeing infinite possibility, all i see an unfulfilling life where nothing will make me happy. it all seems so futile, lately. going day by day for, ultimately, no reason at all. is this the existential void? how do you appreciate life & anticipate another morning when every day that passes is a little shittier? can i spend the rest of my life living one unsatisfactory moment after another? & for what, for what?! this 'journey' i'm apparently supposed to be taking fucking sucks & the end most definitely does not justify the means. every day is a monotonous shit heap, in spite of all the new things that are happening to me. i should be enjoying this period of my life, this new beginning. instead, my calender has lost every line & has become a stark white nothing, ominously stretched out before me & i keep falling forward, downward into each day without noticing that yesterday passed. i'm afraid. i'm afraid that i'm going to die & no one will even notice until the smell offends my neighbors. i'm afraid that whatever subconscious light at the end of the tunnel that keeps me going against my conscious mind's will is going to eventually burn out & there will be nothing left to validate or redeem my existence. i can't find anything worth waking up for anymore - not even the hope of a better tomorrow, which as we all know is the last commodity of a desperate (wo)man. 'tomorrow' has become a moot point, lately - it implies something that isn't today & there is no differentiating the two anymore. the days blur into debilitating bleak fucking eternities. what am i doing? why do i care anymore? i don't think that i do care, so why do i persist in going on? why do i keep waking up every miserable morning? if i don't care, why do i constantly find myself on the brink of tears? my life isn't so terrible, why am i so fucking sad all the time? is there just something seriously wrong with me? why will just make me feel human again? [ previous entry - next entry ]

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