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breaking hearts has never looked so cool
[ 06.11.03 - 1:42
THIS UPDATE IS HUGE! ]
2003/10/25 I just crawled into bed next to him & laid my head in the hollow of his shoulder-my head's home away from home. He moans a little and a tiny smile goes across his lips as he throws his arms around my shoulders. It's in these brief moments that I feel there's a chance that he'll miss me. Then I realize that it'd probably be the same with any soft, naked female. Anyway, I'm lying there next to him, my hand on his chest. I look up at his face, and it's this familiar silhouette against the night lights coming through the window. It strikes me that in less than a week, I will never see this silhouette again. This week...it's a week of lasts. Tonight was our last Friday spend in each other's arms, lounging all day, content and naked more often than not. Ever day will have a last and no matter how trivial it may seem, they all represent a tradition our time together has developed, and I am going to desperately miss every last one. That precious profile back lit by the Victoria night sky will forever be with me. It will haunt my dreary, lonely Cold Lake nights. I need this man. This was, for me, true love. Pure, unadulterated TRUE LOVE and if it fails, what can succeed? 2003/10/25 13:04 i am just now learning the harsh difference between being loved and being lusted for. Everything I thought meant love - tender brushes on the cheek from the back of his hand, wrapping me up tight in his arms - it's all a play or a persuasive gesture, a self-serving masquerade of love. I was called innocent and naive, two things I've never considered myself. I guess after this, I will never be like that again. This experience has changed me in a lot of ways, and one of them is that I will never allow myself to fall for someone this way again. I refuse to make myself vulnerable to ANYONE AT ANY COST. This ache is a reminder of the consequences of doing so. I would give almost anything to erase the past year of my life. True that it was the happiest and most love-filled year, but now that was all a goddamn lie, I feel worse. Fuck. 2003/10/28 16:44 I kept him up far too late last night and I'm not sure what I was trying to accomplish. All I gained was the painful knowledge that this could have all been avoided if he would have been open. Everything that he said was bothering him was either a poor choice of words, or him assuming something that was just untrue. I spent a lot of time explaining it and talking about it all - my motivations and what I really meant when I said things and he seemed to understand it all, but none of it made a difference. So I can only assume his feelings for me have changed. 2003/10/31 06:30 Well no question - I look like Hell, thanks to zero hours of sleep and about 10 hours of crying. The only question - do I look worse than i feel? 2003/11/01 00:16 So it all really started last night. We went out for one last dinner together and had a fantastic time. We were playful and romantic and joking. It was really nice. When we came home, I met Ian to say goodbye. When I came back, we had a bath together, and I cried a lot. He wiped the tears off my cheeks. We made love once more. Then came the shit. he finally admitted what all this was really about and it has nothing to do with me. He said that he just 'wasn't ready'. He said he wanted to be able to make decisions without having to think about anyone else. Why he couldn't have told me this before I fell in love and gave up my entire life, I don't know. Then he said that there was no way we'd ever be together ever again. I've had my heart broken by that boy about ten times in the past two weeks. I shouldn't even care by now, but I thought he was really it. We stayed up all night, talking and holding each other some and me crying a lot. We left for the airport, and I cried as I closed the apartment door behind us, knowing I'd never cross its threshold with him again. I cried all the way there. Then the really bad part - actually saying goodbye. I checked in, and then we went outside so I could have a cigarette. I told him to come with me to the van so we could have a little more privacy. I couldn't stop crying. We embraced and i wanted for him to never let go. We kissed and (surprisingly) I cried and cried. I never thought I would have to be without him again, and there i was - at the airport with 20 years of my life stowed away in four suitcases, kissing him and holding him for the last time. I walked away, but only got so far as the doors before I made the mistake of turning around - which made me go back and say goodbye all over again. Finally, I made it inside, and regrouped in the bathroom. Flew to Edmonton, met Kev, shopped, had a good day, holding it all in. But now, here I am without Dan, trying to fall asleep all alone. The one person who could comfort me 'wasn't ready' and won't be here. I miss him. I spend all day with that familiar longing - like I missed him and wanted to see him. I had to keep reminding myself that I wouldn't be seeing him ever again. I feel so fucking stupid for wanting him when he obviously does not want me, but GOD. I feel incomplete. 2003/11/03 ?? I spoke to Dan for the first time since the breakup, and shockingly, I cried! He told me that he's lonely and even though I know it's stupid, I hoped he'd say he wanted me back. When will I really accept that it is over? I guess I just don't want it to be over. I want some big elaborate demonstration of his love and desire for me and then we get back together and everything is beautiful again. The relationship urban legend. Tonight he asked me to call him again, but there was no "I love you" at the end. Just a long silence. It killed. It's hard to believe things are going to work out for the best when it feels so goddamn wrong. 2003/11/05 18:14 Here I am, back in Cold Lake, land of the eternally dead end and I don't feel like I'll ever escape. 2003/11/05 20:16 ALL NAMES (POORLY) DISGUISED TO PROTECT THE (NOT SO) INNOCENT. Had a bath and read old love letters to distract me from the love letter I'll never get. It worked. I also read letters from C. who I never dated, but was hopelessly smitten over. The time we spent together was brief but this affection I harbored for him has been long withstanding. When I read his letters, I get so goddamn overwhelmed with the butterflies in my stomach. An uncontrollable smile and toes curling - ugh, his letters. Oh God, he writes with this disgusting, dishonest passion but honestly it doesn't matter to my loins. That boy (who is 'in love with my romance, or at least the thought of it', consequently) doesn't remember a single word he scrawls to me, but who the Hell cares? Any man who can set this butterflies is free to his own methods. Maybe it's a shallow relationship, based on our similar personalities, but he's made me feel so goddamn good. I reread my letters from J. and in spite of the terrible way things ended, I smiled at the memories. His letters were so romantic and optimistic. I loved his unceasing assurances of forever and even if it didn't work that way, I still love him for it. We once made out in a very seedy place and the fact that it was so spur of the moment made it pretty exciting and passionate. I miss how safe he made me feel. He hates me now, but should that ever change, I would appreciate his friendship. I wish I hadn't been so dishonest about what happened. I lied to him about doing a terrible thing for the stupidest reasons. I just wanted him to break up with me, so I told him I had done something awful. I thought that he deserved someone sweeter and more friendly that shared his optimism. Someone less challenging, someone less...me. So I got what (I thought) I wanted. I regretted it, to some extent. I haven't been keen on the idea of sharing my dresser with anyone since. 2003/11/06 1:36 I miss him. Fucking Hell, I miss him. I want to call him and ask him. "Are you ready yet?"
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